Bill Clinton made my sister hot
My sister is a mailman. OK 'Letter Carrier' is I guess their official title but she says 'mailman' and I respect that. I respect deeply what mailmen do. I love getting mail. It's pretty fucking amazing if you think about it. And they work damn hard, and it's a pretty thankless job a lot of the time.
But yesterday she told me that she'd pretty much seen it all in the whacked-out customer department: "Nobody's ever tried to tell me I'm imagining the weather before," she said.
Like a lot of places, it's been insanely hot where she lives and works. Just take a minute to imagine what it's like walking around outside in 100-degree weather carrying 50 pounds of mail at a time for eight or ten hours. Not pretty. And she doesn't live in a place where 100-degree weather is usual, although it does happen from time to time.
So picture this: she's walking along her appointed rounds with her fifty-pound sack and sweating like crazy and trying to move as slowly as possible and still complete her route more or less on time. And as she approaches this nice, air-conditioned house -- to which she has been delivering the mail for years -- out pops this guy. She's never seen him before, and thinks maybe he's anticipating a package or expecting something exciting in the mail. He's walking very purposefully towards her
People do that kind of thing sometimes.
He appears to be a regular guy -- a republican and a little bit of a nutjob, she figures, based on what she's seen in his mail. But as soon as she's close enough to hear him, he starts going off about how global warming is a myth. How it was Bill Clinton who convinced "all you liberals" that temperatures were rising and didn't she know that it was this hot for the entire summer of 1933?
No "hi there," no "hot enough for ya?" lame-ass weather jokes, no greeting of any kind, just this tirade about how global warming is a made-up liberal fantasy -- an excuse to disguise liberals' efforts to take over the world and mess with (trample, even) the rights of individuals and their corporate overlords. OK, I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the idea.
Crazy stuff, but he was really worked up about it. Especially the Clinton-blaming part of it. And how on account of Clinton, everyone was going around believing it was actually hotter out than it was.
Or something.
7 comments:
I wish I could just dismiss this by saying that the heat makes people crazy, but I suspect this guy already was.
Does your sister have to carry mace or anything? You know, in case she encounters somebody nuttier and meaner?
I keep waiting for something like this to happen to me. I'm hoping it will happen at the gas station, where the fumes from the gasoline and the heat coming off the concrete make everything you see waver and blur.
Or maybe that's just my anger making everything blur.
The point is, I probably would have kicked the guy in the shins.
TS
Maybe she'll stop by and answer your question, Sara. As far as I know, though, she doesn't. For a while she was doing some kickboxing, but I dunno if she's still doing that. Sis?
The USPS issues letter carriers some kind of mace or pepper spray to use against dogs, but she prefers to carry dog treats. The dogs on her route love her.
Oh, yes, I have seen the power of dog treats. I used to share a duplex with Jasmine, who was a fat little sausage, a German Shepherd/Corgi/something else mix who hated men on site. She did not hate my favorite UPS guy, though. Not at all. Why? Pocket full of treats, of course, and a willing hand for distribution.
hee hee -- Just thinking about her rolling around on the grass with her short little legs and loooong pink tummy in the air, wiggly with joy but poised for vigorous belly rubbing, makes me smile.
You know what's sad? Being charged by an enraged human does not make me want to toss him a cookie. 'Cause I just know it wouldn't work.
Hee Hee.. Yuo wrote that very well sister dear, has anybody ever told you that you are very talented?
Sara... Yes we are Issued Mace, and I do carry it if I am on a strange route, but on my own I do not bother, it's just one more thing to have to carry, I CANNOT praise the dog buscuit method enough.
Toasted Suzy... I REALLY wanted to kick him in the shin, but I was so hot and tired and sweaty, all I could manage was to stare at him with my mouth
open. In retrospect, that is probably a good thing.
Because I still have a job, Bill Clinton's imaginary heat or not, the bills must get paid.
I commend you for your restraint. I really do. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank a mailman for doing such a hard job for jerks like me and that guy.
You know, in my imagination, the treats thing actually might work pretty well on humans. At the very least, the great beasts would be so perplexed by the gesture they would be still and quiet long enough for you to get away from them.
I might try it. With cookies, of course. Or candy.
I really think we're on to something here. What kind of jerk is going to cuss you out or steal your wallet when you've just given him a cookie?
This is it! The Answer!
lol
TS
TS: It sounds crazy, but it just might work!
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