Tab Energy drink is an abomination

Despite what I can only describe as an odious marketing campaign [warning: lame-ass music plays when you open that site], I tried the new Tab Energy Drink the other day. I mean really: "Fuel to be Fabulous(tm): A deliciously pink, lo-cal energy drink -- because it's hard work being fabulous?" That's just so fucking stupid. It was embarrassing to even pick one up at the drugstore. But hey, I have a certain nostalgic affection for Tab, and so I bit the bait. I bought one and I drank it so you don't have to.

Eeeuw.

I am so sorry I did that. There's just no way to express how horrible it was.

It's sweet and it's yucky and it's way too fucking pink. It tastes like one of those multicolored Charms pops dissolved in some kind of awful diet soda. With a liquid multivitamin or something medicinal added. I didn't notice any particular energizing effects, but I'm pretty heavily caffeinated as a rule, so that's not surprising. I guess it's about as caffeinated as a couple of cups of coffee. Whoop-de-doo.

It's true, on the other hand, that I've never had any of the other so-called energy drinks before, so I don't know what they're supposed to taste like. Maybe this one is as good as or better than all the others, but I didn't think it was very good at all.

TaB, though -- the real TaB soda, I mean -- now that's some good stuff. It's got that great old-school diet soda aftertaste, and it's not overly sweet, plus it reminds me of my grandmother. And of the student lounge of my high school, which had a soda machine that dispensed those beautifully textured 16-oz bottles of the stuff (as well as Fresca and Coke and Pepsi and Dr. Pepper -- this was long before those exclusive brand contracts that soda manufacturers demanded of schools in exchange for funding).

There's one store here in town that still carries TaB with some regularity, and whenever it's on sale for really cheap I buy as many 12-packs as I can carry. I have to walk past a lot of research geeks on my way to my office, and sometimes they make jokes about bringing TaB for the lab rats. "They love that shit," they always tell me. Hahaha.

And when I give people directions to my house, I tell them to turn onto my street and it's the third one on the left -- the one with all the TaB cans on the porch (see photo).

But back to the Tab Energy drink: I noticed it a while ago in the drugstore, and then I noticed there was some online commentary about it (e.g., here and here and here and here). Truly I had no intention of ever trying it. But I did. What can I say?

I also have to confess that I had no idea that there was this whole bizarre subculture-type thing of TaB aficionadas with, I guess you would have to call them fan websites (e.g., here and here and here).

I'm kind of embarrassed by this, somehow, but I really do like fizzy caffeinated beverages. Maybe I'll have to go back to mixing concentrated coffee and mineral water. Although I guess you can still get Jolt Cola in some places. Now that was an excellent beverage. If only they'd ever responded to my repeated requests for a sugar-free version, I would probably still drink that. I can't drink sugary sodas though on account of I'm afraid that my teeth will dissolve. And of course there's that bizarre subculture of gamers and programmers and hackers who like it.