One of life's little mysteries solved

Porridge. I never really knew what it was, only that it's served in bowls and shouldn't be too hot or too cold. I figured it was something like cream of wheat, or cornmeal mush. You know, something porridge-y. Doesn't really sound like something I'd like.

But it's sort of like bon-bons. I mean, what the hell are they, really? I did ask around once, about bon-bons, and I gather that they are those awful chocolate things like you get in the heart-shaped boxes. That there's always one kind that is good and the rest are full of gross gooey stuff and you never know until it's too late. But I've never really been curious enough about porridge to look it up or ask anyone.

Curds and whey? I remember asking my mom about that, because I thought it sounded interesting; and because of its association with spiders, I thought I needed to know. I like cottage cheese, which is basically what curds and whey is. As a kid, I used to eat it hoping a spider would show up. Couldn't get mom to get me a tuffet, though. Or even to tell me what a tuffet is.

But thanks to the BBC, I now know what porridge is. It's oatmeal. Duh.

"A dozen cooks from across the UK had gathered in Carrbridge, in Strathspey, for the contest to see who can make the finest bowl of the oatmeal dish.

"Judges marked the entrants on their porridge's appearance, consistency and taste, before deciding on a champion.

"The winner of the coveted Golden Spurtle, or stirrer, was Maria Soep from Kilchrenan.

"Ms Soep, who reached the final last year, came out victorious after a three-way cook-off."

Her secret? Really good oatmeal and a pinch of salt, soaked overnight in some good water. How hard is that? I really love oatmeal made with those steel-cut Irish oats. But the rolled oats, or the instant oatmeal? None for me, thanks.

Said a spokesman from the contest sponsor: "The standard was incredibly high and the final was very tense."

I can only imagine.

[Update: Obviously mom didn't have the internets to help her out with my incessant questions. A tuffet is just a small hassock or ottoman-type thing. It's also an English unit of capacity, equal to 2 pecks, or half a bushel.]