Chickens come home to roast, editor's nipples in a twist

I ran across the blog Cosmic Variance this morning via a link at Shakesville or somewhere. There's an especially amusing post over there about the phenomenon of "eggcorns," mis-used English words or phrases that are not merely incorrect or ridiculous (like, say, a malapropism) but also occasionally result in some surprisingly accurate ways of putting things. A lot of the time, they appear to occur because a particular element of the phrase has fallen out of use, or the etymology of the word or phrase is not obvious or well known. Or they sound like words that are more commonly used. Sometimes they're indistinguishable from typos.

A quote from the Cosmic Variance post:

"The database has nearly 600 instances of common expressions in English which, via a homonym or near-homonym substitute (in lame man’s terms, a word that sounds the same), result in really oddly apropos but totally novel (and hilarious) coinages.

"For example, you might think you have free reign to use English how you see fit, but for that you’d need to be a monarch rather than simply riding on horseback. I am not trying to ferment trouble here. On the contrary, once you’ve mastered a few of these you might just pass the SAT with flying collars."

Some of them can only be found in writing: "pour over," and "peaked your interest," for example, or "wetted your appetite." More than a few of them are jar-droppingly funny.

Dept. of things I wish I'd thought up myself

Because I really do love my dog enough to post flyers all over the neighborhood. The black duct tape, though, really makes it perfect. Can you read the text of the flyer? It says:

"Have a look at this beautiful motherfucking dog. He was last seen being awesome in my huge ass back yard which is where he is right now being awesome as usual. He is about the most beautiful god damn dog in the whole world and chews on expensive food all the time. Responds to 'Xerxes."

I am totally in love with this dog, and with this flyer, which is posted on flickr, and I found via Shakesville via Monkeys for Helping via boingboing. You've probably already seen it, but just in case you missed it, there it is.

You mean they don't really fry those frijoles twice?

Do you have questions about Mexicans or other Spanish-speaking immigrants that you're just, well, afraid to ask? Because you know in your heart that they're tasteless and rude and you'd just be embarrassed? Fear no more, gringo. Gustavo Arellano is here to help:

"Can you please explain the pecking order amongst Spanish-speaking peoples? And don’t deny that there is one.

Curious Gringo

"Gabacho: Sure—Mexicans on top, everyone else is a bunch of Guatemalans."

The guy's funny and irreverent (it's satire, people) and manages to offend those with delicate sensibilities of pretty much every color.

Here's the OCWeekly's ¡Ask a Mexican!® archive.

via Magpie

I think I'm going to make cheeseburgers tonight

Worried about all the recalled meat, E. coli scares, etc.? Read this.

Sandy Szwarc, over at Junk Food Science, is really smart.

This just in

Casual sex only rewarding for first few decades.

"Researchers found that those who regularly achieved mind-blowing orgasms without the expectation of commitment often experienced mild feelings of loneliness and a passing regret after as little as three decades of pure physical bliss free of emotional complication."

from the Onion, naturally.

It's not the heat, it's -- well, it IS the heat

I think this video is up on youtube, but I can't find it. Until I do, you'll have to go here and click on the link to watch this video about just exactly how hot it is here where I live. Seriously. It's hilarious.

Who watches the watchers?

What did the FDA know and when did they know it? From contaminated ingredients in pet foods -- and now animal feed as well -- to arthritis drugs linked to cardiac arrests in humans, food and drug safety issues have been making a lot of headlines lately.

But not to worry -- there's a federal agency that protects consumers, isn't there? An objective, well-funded, taxpayer-supported agency, free from bias and corporate influence, that monitors food processors, regulates the drug industry, and ensures that we are all safe.

Yeah, right. You get a pony.

But not to worry -- you don't take any prescription drugs, you don't have a pet, none of this affects you. What about your chocolate? What's it going to take before enough of us care about this to start making noise? Lindsay's recent post contains links to an FDA consumer response website and to more information about this issue.

Actual consumers need to learn how to respond to this kind of thing, because this particular issue -- which affects the very definition of chocolate -- is being advanced by "consumers" who happen to be part of the problem. "Big Chocolate," the LA Times editorial calls them. And even if you're not afraid of Big Ag or Big Pharma, maybe this looming threat from corporate candy interests will give you pause.

There's more to it than meets the eye, though. The whole system is deeply flawed. The FDA is insufficiently funded, and supported in too great a part by fees from the regulated industries (follow the money -- who gets paid and who gets screwed?). Financial conflicts of interest within the regulating bodies are too common. And the agency has very little it can do with respect to enforcement unless and until it becomes too late.

This recent article offers some constructive suggestions for reform of the agency -- at least in the drug safety arena -- that would certainly increase consumer safety and reduce corporate influence.

Gotta start somewhere, or the next chocolate Jesus is going to be made out of that waxy, cruddy chocolate-esque stuff they make those bunnies and santas out of.

I like reading the candy hearts, anyway

This post pretty much sums up my feelings about Valentine's Day. I like the little hearts with the dopey messages on them. The rest of it I can live without.

The only other VD-related message in my inbox was from Julie, who sent a link to this article It's a fluff piece, sure, but its author, Julie Enszer, isses an interesting challenge: go the whole day without revealing the gender of your sweetie. No reason to set aside Valentine's Day to do it -- but hey, whatever. Her point is that it's inconvenient and awkward and makes you feel like you're making way too big a deal out of something that's really after all kind of irrelevant. It can make you feel kind of nutty, and like you're hiding a Big Secret.

But it's also essential information, in a certain way.

Straight people often say it's OK with them if people are queer, but why do they have to bring it up all the time? Well, the answer is that, in real life -- if you're at all forthcoming about who you are and what's important, even in a casual context, you might just happen to mention your sweetheart, if you have one. Or a spouse. Who is an actual human, with a gender, and all the pronouns & things that go along with that.

For most of my adult life, I have made little effort to hide the gender of my Significant Other. If/when I had one. If I knew it would be a huge issue for someone and I just didn't feel like educating them right at the moment, I might not mention it, but when I was a sweet young thing, I was a Serious Lesbian, and I didn't care who knew it. I didn't care if my co-workers "found out" because mostly I worked in places where it just wasn't all that interesting to anybody. My family just sort of got used to it and never really made much of a fuss. I was never in any kind of faith community, so I didn't have to worry about getting tossed out if they found out I had a girlfriend and not a boyfriend.

I didn't come out of the closet so much as I just never felt I had to go into one.

And then I was in a long-term, happily-ever-after type thing with the woman who eventually became my lovely ex-wife. We left the Big Gay City of Minneapolis for rural Minnesota and then North Carolina -- not reputed to be exactly hotbeds of gay-acceptance, if you see what I'm saying. But I never made a big deal about hiding it or making sure people knew about it, and when I did say something, I rarely got any kind of response other than an embarrassed "oh, sorry -- you're wearing a ring, I just assumed it was a guy you were married to. Of course it's OK to bring her along." Or maybe a surprised "Oh, wow, I didn't realize you two were, um, oh."

I'm sure there were folks who disapproved or were shocked, but they never said anything mean or nasty to my face.

Yes, I know that I've been lucky. I know a lot of queer people have had to hide this information lest they get beat up, thrown out of the family, kicked out of their church, or fired. All that is real, and horrible; that was not my experience is all.

But then a funny thing happened after the ex and I split up: I started seeing a guy. Nothing serious, but there were times when I'd be talking to certain friends and they'd ask whether I was dating anyone yet. I wanted to tell them that I was, because I knew that the next question was did I want to meet their [neighbor, cousin, sister-in-law, co-worker's niece] who was really cool and -- get this also a lesbian and of course you two have so much in common.

So I'd say that yes, I was seeing someone, and then laugh at myself as I went through all kinds of grammatical contortions to keep from revealing his gender, and then change the subject as quickly as possible. Because even worse than being fixed up with The Other Lesbian I Know was the bullshit I feared hearing (and eventually heard) from people I thought I knew. I was not ready to discuss it.

I did not want to hear the "see it really was just a phase" gloating from my mother; and I really didn't want to hear any bullshit about selling out to the hetero hegemony or cashing in on my "straight privilege" from my lesbian friends. And I really really didn't want to find out which of my straight friends would turn out to have been a closet homophobe all along -- and a couple eventually did; they knew I hadn't been a real lesbian.

And then, I mean, what if I decided to go out with a woman next? I knew that -- fun as it seemed at the time -- what I had with that particular guy was mostly just a rebound-type fling, certainly not a happily-ever-after scenario. I totally dreaded having to explain that, no, it was the guy thing that was just a phase -- I renounce my straight privileges, give me back the mantle of heteronormative oppression -- oh and sorry mom, didn't mean to get your hopes up again about grandkids & all that.

And what if after that relationship ends, I wanna go out with a dude again? Because I might. In fact I have.

Some people might say I'm thinking too hard about it all. In fact a lot of people do say that. It's one of my charms, really: overanalyzing everything. But I still catch myself being vague about the gender of one ex-sweetheart or another, depending on who's listening and whether I'm in the mood to talk about it. Bisexuals are really scary, apparently. More so even than lesbians.

And I still haven't told my mother about all the boys I've dated; it's only been like ten years.

UPDATE: Here's a candy heart generator!

I don't know how I missed this

I guess all the fuss about the potty-mouthed bloggers on another candidate's website had me a little upset and distracted. Somehow I missed the Weekly World News' coverage of the Clinton campaign. Fortunately, Zeno over at Halfway There was all over it. But I guess she's planning to run a certain media-shy Yeti as her running mate, if nominated. Seriously. Bigfoot. Check it out. It was, after all, WWN who brought you that excellent coverage of Mr. Clinton's secret meetings with space aliens during his adminstration, so you know they have inside sources.

I'm not usually much of a joiner, but

I really liked this little project so I signed up. The page takes a while to load, as there are zillions of little tiny photos, one of which is me!


-via the Neurophilosopher's Weblog

Say Ramen, somebody

Via the excellent Jane Awake I learned of the passing last Thursday of Momofuku Ando, the inventor of instant noodles. His last meal, apparently, was Chicken Ramen, enjoyed with employees of Nissin Foods, the company he founded in 1958 to market his convenient, quality noodle product. He was 96.

As a pastafarian and a onetime college student who has been unemployed, underemployed, and an occasional freelancer, I am of course deeply saddened. The humble block of dried noodly goodness has sustained me through many a budgetary constraint.

In fact, one of my favorite ideas for cookbooks I haven't gotten around to writing and probably never will is "365 Ways to Cook Ramen." Try adding some frozen peas and half an apple, peeled and sliced, as you cook the noodles, and stir in a spoonful of chunky (unsweetened, if you have it) peanut butter and some curry powder along with the flavor packet thingy. Instant mulligatawny in a cup!

The good news? There is a Momofuko Ando Instant Ramen Museum in Ikeda City, Japan. I'm going to start saving up frequent flyer miles and vacation time now.

Friday test results: the check's in the mail, right?

Found this one the other day via the Neurophilosopher:

My blog is worth $3,951.78.
How much is your blog worth?

There but for the --

For the what? Bloody goddamn fucking hell. There is no such thing as grace, and there sure as hell is no justice. You can't tell me there is. I want to puke and cry and I feel a little ashamed to be so grateful for my happy lucky little life, but also there's this plain old blinding rage.

I love this woman for documenting it all so honestly and speaking for all those who can't or who don't or who haven't yet, and for making the rest of us so goddamn uncomfortable. She's a wonderful writer, gloriously articulate, hilarious, and her blog As the Tumor Turns is indeed not for the squeamish or faint of heart. Now writing as lymphopo, the blogger formerly known as grannyvibe is:

"A single woman in my fifties, in debt, no income, no health insurance, and then that grapefruit-sized tumor wedged between my lungs turns out to be a malignant high-grade highly aggressive stage IV lymphoma. How much worse can it get? Bwahahaha! Stay tuned and find out."

Her son's blog, the highly excellent finnegan's wake-up call has a donation link, if you're so inclined.

This shit happens all too often. To too many people. And I'm not talking about just the serious illness part of the picture. "Will anyone ever believe me if I tell them that the cancer is ofthen the least of my worries?" lymphopo asks here. And answers: "In all honesty, I feel more debilitating anxiety over my financial disaster; deeper heartache over my foundering relationship; greater terror over the state of the world."

Yeah.

Thanks, belledame, for the link.

Friday alternative health diagnostic quiz

Can't afford a trip to the doctor? Believe they're lying to you/ripping you off/in bed with big pharma/ignorant of the new quantum unified theory of self-healing anyway? Well, don't waste your time going from one alternative practitioner to another, free colon-cleansing herbs or not. Go over to the Woo World Self Treater and answer a few questions and concentrate on the vibrational level of your illness to get a FREE analysis of your auric field. Here's my reading:

"Quantum-consciousness analysis of your auric field shows you are suffering the symptoms of women's health issues, which is commonly seen among multigender entities born under the sign of Taurus. This may also be due to alien implants. Spiritually Guided Surgery has been shown to be effective* in relieving the symptoms of women's health issues and allowing the body to heal itself. You can also boost your immune levels by remembering to live a divine life, and commence colonic irrigations to remove toxins.

Since you are vaccinated you are also strongly urged to contact a naturopath or kinesiologist to test whether you have autism.

*Based on user testimonials."

via Orac at Respectful Insolence

Happy Birthday, Mr. Waits

I always like to play "I don't want to grow up" on my birthday even though I mostly like being a grownup just fine. Here he is:



And here's some more:

• What's He Building In There?
• Tom Traubert's Blues
• Hold On
• Going Out West
• Step Right Up
• Big In Japan
• Chocolate Jesus

I couldn't pick a favorite, though. Here's the whole list. The interviews are highly entertaining as well.

"Just remember that the large print giveth and the small print taketh away"

Friday quiz results: Finding my religion. Or not.

This is a pretty interesting test: the Belief-O-Matic™, but I gotta say I'm a little surprised by the results. I've been perfectly happy all these years without a religion. Except for a short while when I was about eleven and wanted my family to be Amish, or maybe Hasidic Jews. I think I craved more rules and structure. A kid needs something to rebel against, or what's the point?

But anyway, who can resist this?

"Even if YOU don't know what faith you are, Belief-O-Matic™ knows. Answer 20 questions about your concept of God, the afterlife, human nature, and more, and Belief-O-Matic™ will tell you what religion (if any) you practice...or ought to consider practicing."

I'm not actually considering practicing a religion, but I took the test anyway, because -- well, mostly because Julie IM-ed me a while ago wondering where the Friday quiz was. I think she was bored. But also I wanted to see how a heathen like myself would score.

When you're all finished, the results page lists 27 faiths, each followed by a percentage score in descending order of how closely your stated beliefs match those of each particular faith. The explanation of the scoring system is as follows:

"The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic,™ in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa."

Well thank goodness they added that last bit. I'd hate to think that all Unitarian Universalists were a bunch of heathen commies like me. Likewise with the Liberal Quakers: I scored 98% on that one.

But the third one on my list was Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants? WTF? Secular Humanism, which is more or less how I'd describe my beliefs if I had to describe them, was #4 on the list (88%). I have to confess, though, that I didn't even know that there was such a thing as a Secular Humanist Association. I've never been to a meeting. But if there is an organization and it has meetings, it's probably not really my scene.

I was glad to see Scientology so low on the list (#22), but frankly a little surprised that New Age and Neo-Pagan were so high (#12 and #6, respectively).

Friday test results: It's in the cards

You are The Empress:
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love.

Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You? Take the Test to Find Out.

via Average Jane

Extinction is forever

Prince Charles has said he believes the world has a duty to save the endangered albatross from extinction. No, really. I mean, it's not that I'm in any way opposed to saving an endangered species.

I agree totally with Prince Charles in fact that it is "our duty to ensure that we do not lose any species if we possibly can help it." Even if it's one that is used figuratively to mean "a source or mark of misfortune, guilt, etc., from which one cannot (easily) be free; a burden or encumbrance. Cf. millstone 2a."*


*From the online OED (subs. req.)

Add this to the list of things I worry about

Squirrel bitings.

I worry sometimes about my sister the mailman: she could be attacked by a mean dog, or a mean customer, or a crazy person; she could be run over by a crazy person in a car; she could fall on the ice, or on someone's unshoveled sidewalk, or a broken stair railing could catch her bag and cause her to tip over into someone's shrubbery (that really happened); plus the back pain from carrying around all those stupid mail-order catalogs, the stress of mandatory overtime -- especially during the winter with the damn daylight savings time thing making it dark so freaking early. But it never even occurred to me to worry that she might get bit by a squirrel and have to get rabies shots.

Well, it happened to a letter carrier in Oil City, PA, last Monday and she had to go to the hospital and get treated for cuts and scratches inflicted by a squirrel that attacked her while delivering the mail. "We are not issuing a squirrel alert," said Steve Jolley, a USPS manager in Oil City, "but everyone is aware of the incident."

Seven Deadly Quizzes

I took all seven of the Deadly Sins assessments over at BeliefNet. I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, considering what a heathen I am.

A couple of them I even took over because I'm really not all that virtuous. There were a couple of questions that I couldn't really answer in a meaningful way because they were about TV shows I've never seen or celebrities I've never heard of.

I suspect that the tests aren't very good instruments for measuring actual sinfulness, because even after do-overs, I still didn't do at all well on Pride, Anger, Envy, or even Gluttony. I mean, Gluttony, for crying out loud. How hard is that? But at least I had a respectable score on Lust and Sloth, and they are my favorites.

By the way, here's a little trick for remembering all seven of the deadly sins, should you need to name them: PALE GAS. Pride, Anger, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Avarice, and Sloth. Of course some lists call anger "wrath" and avarice "greed" which messes it up. Too many consonants.

So here are my results. The website doesn't provide any nifty graphics or handy code to post results on your blog, and the scoring is kind of eccentric. I calculated the percentages myself, but basically, the scores were grouped in three or four categories of increasing sinfulness. The ones marked with asterisks are the ones where my score fell in the second-lowest bracket. I re-took Greed and Sloth and moved up to that category in each. All the others I was in the lowest (i.e. most virtuous) category, even though I re-did Pride and Anger and Envy. I tried, people.

• Pride: 4/24 (17%) - "You might want to work on your self-esteem"
• Anger (Wrath): 5/27 (19%) - "You're a most patient person ... or about to blow like Mt. St. Helen's"
• Lust: 15/32 (47%!)* - "Your body isn't a temple, but it isn't a fast-food joint either"
• Envy: 2/24 (8%) - "Your freedom from sin is enviable"
• Gluttony: 9/41 (22%) - "Spiritually, you might be a bit too thin"
• Avarice (Greed): 11/37 (30%)* - "Your generosity outweighs your greed"
• Sloth: 9/25 (36%)* - "Your life is a good balance between activity and relaxation, but like most of us, you could use a spiritual supplement"

Image: detail from The Seven Deadly Sins by Hieronymus Bosch. Stolen from ibiblio.org's WebMuseum.