The deforestation of Area 51

TMI Warning. I'm not sure I can write this post without saying outright what I've gone & done, but I'm going to try, in order to elude the most annoying search-engine action. Dunno if it'll work.

Plus, it's kind of embarrassing. It's not terribly shocking, just not the sort of thing your average middle-aged quasi-hippie feminist goes and does on a whim. I apologize if this is too much information; I just think it's pretty hilarious, and I hope that maybe someone out there will learn from my mistake: don't do this!

There will be no photos; don't even ask.

I didn't set out to do it, not quite this completely. And I do, in fact, have some fairly serious regrets. It's a sensitive place, Area 51.

Here's how it happened:

I'm not exactly a slave to fashion, but I did recently acquire some new pants. Several pairs, in fact, to replace the old ones, which had worn out. Fashion, apparently, has changed since I last bought pants. The old ones all had waistbands that were at my actual waist. The new ones are not exactly hip-huggers or low-cut or anything even remotely sexy, but they don't go all the way up to my actual waist. And I got kind of tired of the layer underneath showing above my waistband.

Did I do the sensible thing and go buy new under-garments? No, because I had a whole pile of perfectly good ones in the back of the drawer that I haven't worn in ages, since I got all those high waisted pants.

But elastic, over time, kind of wears out, and catches on things. You know what kind of things I'm talking about here, I think. So the other day, in the shower, I decided to trim a bit around the edges, as it were, of my own personal Area 51. Nothing dramatic. But it was uneven, just a little. Which I found annoying as hell.

It was like wearing two socks of the same color, but one of them is thinner than the other one, or a different texture. No one else will notice, but you'll feel it all day. Or you will if you have two feet and you can feel your socks and you're bothering to pay attention. This will drive you nuts, if you're anything like me.

So anyway, yesterday I attempted to remedy the uneven-ness, and I guess you could say I went too far. I just kept making it worse. At a certain point, I thought, 'aw the hell with it -- just keep going!' It was moderately amusing, and not as difficult as I expected it to be. I did not injure myself. Apparently all the kids are doing this sort of thing nowadays.

My amusement lasted for about an hour and a half, and then the itching set in. Every kind of lotion or powder that I tried either stung or itched or burned. I finally found some unscented grapeseed oil in the fridge, which seems to help a little (warm it up first! And no, I have no idea why it was in the fridge; the only thing I ever use it for is bath oil or massage oil).